“Hahaha… what a ridiculous idea!”, or “Mhhhh…. Do you sincerely think it is going to work?”, or “This guy is so boring, he always talks about things that nobody cares about.”, or again “Look at them: they come at 10am and leave at 4pm… do they really have nothing to do in this team?!”… the list could continue forever. We have all heard – or maybe said? – something along these lines about somebody, wishing at the same time that we are not the one being talked about in these terms. Nobody likes to think someone is treating him or her that way, yet we see such behaviors being exhibited in the office, in the street, at the supermarket, at the gym, or anywhere around us every day. So what is wrong here?
Well, in my opinion, there are three fundamental reasons why we should think twice when we are about to voice out negative comments on someone, even if the person is not aware about what is being said.
1st reason: R – show Respect to earn respect
Attitudes people dislike the most are being treated with disrespect. Respect triggers admiration for someone elicited by his or her skills or achievements. Showing people that they are great or did great make them feel important. And once they feel important, they will be grateful to the person who made them feel important. So in turn, they will show respect to that person.
In short, if you want to be respected and have the comfort that nobody is talking about you in bad terms behind your back, start by acting that way. Before criticizing others, think that maybe, you are the one who did not understand what they had in mind…
Refrain from blaming others even if you think they are stupid or act stupid. Keep respecting others in the same way you would want to be respected.
2nd reason: E – show Ethics to earn esteem
The second component that people need to be feeling important is esteem. Self-esteem comes when others show you some form of praise, or at least recognition. Self-esteem comes from the appreciation you get from others. And we all know well that when you fail once, people remember that mistake for ever. So if you want to be truly appreciated by others over time, the only way is to never fail in their eyes. But it is totally impossible to never make mistakes. So what does it mean to never fail, even when we make mistakes?
Well, in my opinion, never failing in the eyes of others comes from the degree of morality you are able to demonstrate in your actions. It is totally fine to make a mistake. What is not fine is to act in a non-moral manner. If people know that whatever happens, your decisions and behaviors remain driven by moral principles, they will never blame you for any of your mistakes. They will keep appreciating you for who you are, which will build your self-esteem. You will be able to look at yourself in the mirror without looking down.
Refrain from using immoral shortcuts, even if they are tempting. Keep acting in an ethical manner as if the person the most important in your life was watching you.
3rd reason: C – show Civility to be treated with civility
What do you think about people who constantly criticize others?… When I am with such people, I always have two thoughts coming to my mind. First that I would not like to be criticized that way. And second that this person is probably saying similar things about me when I am not around. Why would he show more civility for me than for others?… In the contrary, when I am with someone who is refraining from talking in bad terms about anyone else, I feel that I can trust that person because he or she is probably not less civil with anyone else, including me.
What do you think about people who are constantly swearing? “F***!” and “Sh***!” if not worse all day long… When I am with such people, I immediately feel tension in my full body and negative reactions against that person. Even if I agree with the content the person is talking about. In the contrary, if someone is telling me in a very nice way to which extent he or she disagrees with me, I am immediately going to listen to what the person has to say. Indeed, he or she is nice. So maybe she has good points that I should take into consideration, right? The thought process and the reaction to civility vs. incivility is automatic. Our brains are geared to react negatively to incivility, and to build trust with civil people.
Refrain from being aggressive – openly as well as passively. Keep being nice in order for others to be nice with you.
These three themes – Respect, Ethics, Civility – are common sense taken out of any context. Of course we know we have to respect others, of course we know we have to act with morality, of course we know we have to be nice. Yet, subtle forms of disrespect, shortcuts to ethical behaviors, and examples of passive aggressiveness are commonly displayed everywhere around us. Someone must be guilty then?!… You? Me? Everybody… When I am about to breach one of these rules in the flow of the day, I keep reminding myself these REC tips , in my own best interest. Resisting these behaviors myself is the first thing I can do to act, show the example, and encourage others to eradicate such behaviors as well. Managing resistances starts with YOU and ME, it is not just for others: refraining from criticizing anyone who is not in the room, refraining from speaking on behalf of someone, resisting from deciding on behalf of someone else, resisting from cutting short someone who is talking… once again, the list could go on forever.
To conclude, when you are about to lose your temper, think about the REC checklist as if your life was on the RECord, to be watched by someone who you would want to be proud of you. And if you are interested in finding out more about managing resistances from others, think about reading Resistance is Existence. You will find there plenty of practical tip sand tools to turn your opponents into your partners !
The Process Excellence String of Ariadne 